


the words unspoken

by illiterateowl



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergent, Canon Era, Falling In Love, Fluff, Kind of Open Ending?, M/M, Minor Character Death, Oblivious Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Pining Merlin (Merlin), author ignores canon, i just kind of left it but, its gentle angst tho, spoiler it's not actually unrequited, there will be a part two, timeline who
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:54:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28013535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/illiterateowl/pseuds/illiterateowl
Summary: when merlin's feelings get too much, he takes to writing them down in a journal. unfortunately, the journal quickly turns into a series of love letters that only has him pining more and more hopelessly for the once and future king.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 18
Kudos: 97





	1. i love you

Falling in love with the King of Camelot was never part of the plan.

When Merlin first tripped into the gates of the citadel and stumbled upon His Prattiness himself, the last thing he meant to do was fall in love with the man. Unfortunately, destiny had it out for him and he was fated to become hopelessly enamored with his other half: the Once and Future King.

Granted, it wasn’t all that bad. Merlin had snagged the initially tedious job of becoming Arthur’s manservant and after almost a decade in his service, they were inseparable. After stripping away rank and decorum, all one would see upon first glance was two best friends who tended to smack the other every once in a while or hurl steady insults when the moment called for it. He was by Arthur’s side every single day, protecting him, caring for him, and even comforting him. Merlin was proud that no one else could ever take his place and he let that be his comfort whenever he thought about how hopelessly impossible a relationship would be with Arthur. 

The days where Merlin let his feelings sink a little lower in his chest were the days where he sulked around and simply stewed in his emotions. He knew it wasn't healthy so eventually, he reached out to other people to find different ways to deal with the stress. He’d told Gwen about his stress (he’d lied and said it was because of his job) and she returned the next day with a small, blank book that Merlin could write his thoughts in. It was one of his greatest treasures so to conserve paper, initially, he only wrote on the days where his emotions were too heavy to carry and he needed to write them down. 

But with every sunrise, every morning that he woke up his beautiful king and watched him peaceful and snoring in the sunlight, Merlin felt his heart break at just how much he would never have. How much he could never know. How much the world was keeping away from him.

So his journaling became weekly, and then it became bi-weekly, and then it was just about every day that he jotted down a few sentences to express his current roiling emotions. 

Merlin was in the habit of beginning his entries with “Dear Journal” (he was later informed by Gwaine that that was a rather girly thing to do and promptly pushed the knight over) but one evening he was thinking about Arthur and how much he wanted to tell him. His hand seemed to have a mind of its own as he watched it scratch out “Dear Arthur” and then… then the idea hit. 

His journal entries became letters, all addressed to Arthur.

All the words Merlin could never say to his face, he wrote them down and then hid the journal away under his bed where no one would ever see just how infatuated he was with the king. 

No one could ever know. 

~

_Dear Arthur,_

_When I woke you up this morning, you smiled at me and it was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I’d do anything just to keep you happy._

_Love, Merlin_

~

Five months into Merlin’s routine, he saw Arthur during a hunt and his heart nearly beat out of his chest. The tension in the king’s shoulders was gone, his face was relaxed, and his eyes shone with relief. The sun caught his hair in just the right way so that it flashed golden and Merlin couldn’t help but feel proud that he got to see Arthur at his most vulnerable. It was an honor to be his servant but more importantly, it was an honor to be his friend. 

~

_Dear Arthur,_

_Thank you for letting me get to know you. Not just the pratty prince side, but the kind, intelligent, and wise one. It is my honor to be yours in whatever way you want me: as your servant, as your friend, or as something more._

_Love, Merlin_

~

During a council meeting, Merlin was sat at Arthur’s right side, a position he didn’t take lightly. The council protested the development, but Arthur insisted that as his closest personal friend and councilor, Merlin deserved a place at the round table. 

From here, Merlin could give his input on the situation, but he could also whisper in the king’s ear things like “Sir Gregory thinks that Councilman Rednor drank himself silly and streaked naked down the streets,” or “Don’t you think Lord Albert looks like a warthog?” And Arthur, who would have been falling asleep at that point, would expertly disguise his amusement. But Merlin could see the twinkle in his eyes and the quirk of his lips that shouldn’t be there during a mere council meeting. 

~

_Dear Arthur,_

_I wish you could see what you look like when you’re happy. There’s a certain twinkle in your eye when you’re about to laugh and you do this funny thing with your mouth when you’re trying to cover up a smile. It never works because I’ve learned to recognise it, and it only makes me want to smile with you. I love hearing you laugh and I love seeing you grin._

_I love everything about you._

_Love, Merlin._

~

Merlin’s journal was steadily filling with letters to Arthur: letters that the king would never see but that Merlin would always hold dear to him. Printed out in his neat handwriting were all of the instances in which Merlin fell just a little more hopelessly in love. He would write about the things Arthur would say that made him laugh or the gentle touches that left him weak in the knees. He cataloged every heart-felt conversation, every trip together, every instance in which Arthur looked at Merlin a little too fondly and Merlin thought he might pass out. 

There were moments, of course, where they fought over stupid things, but the way Arthur would come sheepishly back to Merlin to give the worst apology in history made Merlin unable to stay mad forever. How could he, when he loved him so much?

~

_Dear Arthur,_

_I know I was right and you’re an utter prat for not admitting it. But your apology meant the world to me, even if it was less eloquent than anything I’ve ever read of yours._

_There’s no shame in being wrong. I’m so proud of you for starting to learn that._

_Love, Merlin._

~

It took a year for Merlin to finally get to the last page of his journal. He panicked at first; these letters were the only thing keeping him sane most days, but soon, he realized he could do without them when he thought about just how harmless it was to love Arthur. Sure, he felt his heart squeeze a little when the council brought up the need for an heir, but other days, he was filled with pure joy when he saw the king and he wouldn’t give that up for anything. 

~

_Dear Arthur,_

_I’ve loved you for so long, I’ve forgotten what it was like to live without you. I don’t think I could do it. You’re the reason I wake up every morning. You’re the reason I’m happy. You’re the reason I breathe. And not just because our destinies are entwined, but because I’m hopelessly in love with you and it would take the world ending to separate me from you._

_I’ll be by your side, always._

_Love, Merlin._


	2. always

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> arthur finds the journal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: minor character death mentioned in passing, and a lot of crying and angsty emotions. sorry <3

Arthur could not for the life of him remember what possessed him to give Merlin a whole tower to himself when the man couldn’t do something so simple as locating a missing correspondence. 

Merlin’s job as Court Sorceror caused him to hold many responsibilities. Arthur knew he was capable, having saved the King’s life on well over a hundred occasions, and he saw fit that he completed every job to the best of his ability. Together, they’d repealed the ban on magic, orchestrated a small council of sorcerers, and built a school to properly educate young magic-users. Under Merlin’s steady guidance at Arthur’s side, Camelot was prospering as the kingdom it was always meant to be. 

But Arthur shouldn’t be as surprised as he was to one day find that Merlin had misplaced a letter from the Druids that detailed the events of a summer feast. The King and his Court Sorceror were invited, as were their closest friends and family, but apparently, there were rules like how one should dress and what one should bring. All of those rules were written down on a very important piece of parchment and Merlin had zero clue what he did with it. 

So now, while Merlin was checking the library, Arthur was rummaging through Merlin’s room in his (rather enormous) tower, which Merlin had happily stuffed full of every bit of junk in the land of Albion. Merlin himself didn’t own much, but within the two months since his appointment, he’d traveled far and wide to collect knick-knacks, magical relics, scrolls and tomes, and even one odd device that emitted a weird whirring sound when you got too close (Merlin insisted it was safe, but Arthur would really rather chuck it out the window and never see it again). It was strange, how much of a hoarder Merlin actually was given the time and space to do so, and Arthur silently cursed him for it as he picked his way through messy piles of stuff on the tower floor.

“Stupid oaf,” he whined to himself when he stubbed a toe on an obnoxiously large rock, “should have kept him in the physician’s tower.”

He bent down to shove away a crate and peer under it, only to find a jar of eyeballs staring up at him. 

_Absolutely not._

Merlin’s writing desk was just as covered in mess and Arthur silently mourned the brain cells he’d be losing from this. Paper after paper all looked the same, all bearing some scrawl or another. How did the Druids even sign off on their letters? _“Please don’t come kill us, thanks, Druids”_ or something? He wouldn’t put it past them to stamp a few flowers into their wax seals, either. Merlin was quite fond of pressing tiny flowers in all of his letters. Maybe he’d picked it up from the Druids when-

There was a book. No, not just any book. 

A _journal._

Closed, and sealed with a godforsaken _ribbon_ which was tied in a neat little bow. Was Merlin _five?_

Arthur (rather rudely) dropped a whole stack of papers he’d been shuffling through and, after a quick look around, dove for the journal and slipped off the ribbon. 

It wasn’t anything special, Arthur tried to tell himself in lieu of an excuse for snooping through his friend’s private belongings. No, this was just Merlin’s Merlin-ness, written out for him to explore. They knew each other inside and out. They held no secrets from each other…

Except…

Except for-

 _Dear Journal,_ it read and Arthur scoffed a little, 

_I’ve started this journal in order to have an outlet for my emotions. I fear one day that I’ll say something I regret that will end everything that I know and love. This way, I can get it out of my head to think about later._

What on earth could be plaguing Merlin so much?

He skimmed the rest of the beginning entry and, upon finding nothing, cracked the book open to the middle. This page was titled differently and he gasped aloud as he read and reread the words over and over again.

 _Dear Arthur,_

_I’ll never get over what happened yesterday. For one of the first times in my life, you hugged me. Unlike the other times, this was genuine and comforting. You hugged me as I mourned my mother’s passing and you let me cry on your shoulder. I don’t know what I’d have done if I had to go through this alone. It hurts to think that I’ll never see her again, but somehow you knew the rights words to say that eased the pain just a little._

_I suppose you can even be good at feelings when it comes down to it._

_Love, Merlin._

_Love, Merlin,_ Arthur repeated, mouthing out the words to himself. Did that mean…? 

He furiously flipped to the next page, his newfound desperation for answers causing him to forget that there were tears in his eyes from reliving Hunith’s passing. He blinked them away, only to find himself on a new entry titled in the same manner. This one was a “thank you” to Arthur for giving Merlin the day off when a cold nearly knocked him off his feet. He hadn’t thought much of it at the time, only focused on whether or not Merlin would suddenly keel over and die and how he could prevent that. But it had apparently meant the world to Merlin as he eloquently described the fondness in Arthur’s eyes and the way he had gripped his shoulder in comfort. 

On and on the entries went, each one a beautiful retelling of Merlin’s interactions with Arthur from Merlin’s perspective. They told of moments shared, just the two of them, and Arthur was dumbstruck at how oblivious he was to the way Merlin responded. How he melted when Arthur smiled. How he could hardly contain the butterflies in his stomach when Arthur complimented him. How much he wanted to kiss Arthur when he was just waking up. How fond he was of Arthur’s laughs. 

How much he loved each and every single thing Arthur did, no matter how stupid or obnoxious it was. 

A tear trickled down Arthur’s cheek as he was completely overwhelmed with the feeling of being known and loved. How had he never know that Merlin cared for him this much? How had he been so blind all those years? All the times he’d longed for a partner, a companion, a _soulmate_ , Merlin was there watching him search. He protected him, and he put up with him, and he cared for him, but more importantly, he loved Arthur wholly and as he was, no strings attached. 

He was sobbing now, too wrapped up in these foreign emotions to consider that he looked a right mess, but only caring just enough to keep the journal away from his falling tears. 

Sniffling, he traced a sentence at the end of the journal with one trembling finger. 

I’ll be by your side, always. 

He knew, in that moment, that Merlin might be dumb and wrong about so very many things, but he wasn’t about this. For once, he would willingly admit Merlin was right. The man – his friend, his council, his sorcerer, his everything – was by his side and he imagined if he ever left, Arthur would feel incomplete. 

_He’s my missing piece,_ Arthur thought to himself, smiling through the tears, _He always has been and I’ve been too stupid to realize._

He was still staring down at the journal, rereading the same beautiful lines over and over again when a soft voice called his name. 

“Arthur?” 

“Merlin,” he breathed, and almost fell over in his haste to get up. 

“Arthur, what’s wrong? Are you alri-” 

He cut Merlin off by all but slamming into him, arms wrapped tightly around his torso. Merlin stumbled back a little, wholly unprepared and staring at Arthur in shock as he processed his King jumping him and attempting to squeeze the living daylights out of him. Arthur pulled away from a shocked-stiff Merlin and gently cradled his dumbstruck face in his hands. 

“Merlin,” he wheezed, “I love you so, so much, you stupid idiot. You should have told me all of that instead of writing it down.” Arthur then proceeded to tug Merlin toward him in a shaky hug, one that Merlin slowly reciprocated, still reeling. 

“Arthur, what…? I-I don’t- I’m not unhappy, just- _what?”_

“Your journal,” Arthur said, smiling dumbly, “I found your journal. And I just wanted you to know I love you too. All those things you said, you truly meant it?” 

Merlin mouthed “my journal” a couple times over before realization hit and his eyes widened. “Oh my gods,” he breathed, cheeks suddenly flushed a deep and amusing shade of red. He buried his face in his hands, still held tightly in Arthur’s arms. “Oh gods, you read the journal…” he whimpered. 

Arthur couldn’t help the breathy chuckle as he pulled Merlin’s hands away from his face. “I don’t know if you noticed, but I’m not exactly mad about it.” 

“You...You’re not?” 

“No,” Arthur said, grinning, “and if you don’t mind, I’d really like to kiss you right now.” 

“Oh.” 

When Merlin didn’t move away, only stared expectantly at Arthur, he leaned in and pressed their lips together. 

Something akin to flames roared in Arthur’s chest, flickering in tandem with his racing heart. There were no words to describe the amount of _right_ he felt as Merlin’s hands slipped into his hair and his lips slid across his own. He pressed himself further against Merlin’s chest, breathing a sigh as warmth spread from Merlin’s body to his own. Merlin finally seemed to relax and let out a chuckle as he tugged Arthur closer and then moved one hand down to Arthur’s jaw to brush gentle fingers against his cheek. 

Everything felt perfect at that moment, even when they pulled apart to breathe, and even when they stared at each other too long only to burst out laughing at how stupid they both were. 

“I can’t believe you’ve loved me all this time,” Arthur said, staring into Merlin’s beautifully blue eyes. 

“Of course I have. I think a part of me loved you the day I met you.” 

“That long?” 

“Yes.” 

Arthur stroked down one of Merlin’s exquisitely sharp cheekbones, praying that Merlin would never stop being his to touch and explore in so intimately a manner. “I think a part of me loved you too,” he mumbled, “there was always something about you.” 

“We’re soulmates, I think,” Merlin said, pressing a kiss to his forehead. “That’s how you knew.” 

“You believe in that?” 

“Maybe not, but I believe in you and I believe in the kingdom we’ve created together.” 

Arthur smiled. “You’ll always be by my side?” 

“Always, you giant, adorable prat. 

_Always.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry about hunith, it just kind of happened and I went with it. halfway through, I considered making it gaius (seeing as he's older and more likely to die) but idk hunith just seemed to fit better?
> 
> also to everyone who wanted a part two, I hope you enjoyed this! it was a chaotic 3 am writing experience for me, but I hope things came across well enough, despite that horrendously sweet ending :')

**Author's Note:**

> i kind of hate this but only in the sense of like,,, I know I could do better and chose not to. so consider it self-disappointment lol
> 
> on another note, I'm not sure when, but I should have a part two that's actually like a story and not whatever on earth this was ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


End file.
